Maternidade às claras | Entrevista com Joana Siqueira

A carioca Joana Siqueira deu à luz em um dos momentos mais críticos da história recente: a pandemia de Covid-19. “No período em que cada um de nós precisou encontrar ferramentas internas para lidar com o mundo se desfazendo, minha filha veio para refazer o meu mundo e me mostrar que existe vida no caos, existe amor no desespero e existem muitas razões para seguir e sorrir”, pondera a autora estreante, que reuniu suas impressões da maternidade no livro O abrir do ventre em um mundo prisão (compre aqui).

O conjunto, elaborado em meio aos choros, sonecas e trocas de fralda de Dora, sua primeira filha, se destaca pela honestidade: por meio de relatos do cotidiano, organizados em formato de diário, Joana desvela a realidade ambígua da maternidade – um pêndulo que oscila entra a beleza, as complexidades e as trivialidades, de acordo com a autora. “Mesmo com todas as complexidades, a maternidade é uma explosão de beleza, vida e amor sem tamanhos”, explica.

Essa visão não romântica a respeito do processo de cuidar de uma criança pode auxiliar outras mães que estejam se sentindo culpadas devido à montanha-russa de sensações que acompanham a gestação e criação de uma vida. A própria autora, afinal, só pôde viver a experiência de maneira mais saudável após entender a complexidade da questão.

“Quando as pessoas conseguirem entender a realidade que as mães vivem, teremos uma sociedade mais inclusiva, acolhedora. E talvez, então, a maternidade se torne um processo menos solitário”, aposta. “Se esse dia chegar, as belezas, que já não são poucas, vão poder finalmente ser vividas e degustadas com mais plenitude, sem tantos traços de exaustão, solidão e sobrecarga.”

No texto de orelha do livro O abrir do ventre em um mundo prisão, Lian Tai sugere que seu livro desromantiza a maternidade. É uma questão que você trabalhou intencionalmente? Qual seu ponto de vista sobre o conjunto?

É impossível experienciar a maternidade sem desromantizá-la em algum nível. Nós vivemos em um mundo em que a maternidade muitas vezes é contada por vozes masculinas e retratada como um caminho exclusivamente de realizações – mas, na minha visão, nada que é rotina e cotidiano consegue caminhar só em um extremo dos sentimentos. Tudo que é permanente ou duradouro se move feito pêndulo: oscilando entre a beleza, as complexidades e as trivialidades. É assim com relacionamentos amorosos, é assim com trabalho, é assim com relacionamentos familiares, por que não haveria de ser assim também com os filhos?

Mas ouso dizer que os filhos amplificam tudo, e esse pêndulo ganha outra dimensão: os extremos se tornam muito mais intensos do que qualquer extremidade de sentimento já conhecida até então. Pelo menos foi assim para mim. Descobri um amor e uma admiração que não tinha a menor ideia que pudessem existir. Por mais que tanto se fale sobre isso, é inexplicável o que se sente.

Do outro lado desse pêndulo, descobri uma exaustão, uma sobrecarga, uma solidão que também não tinha ideia de que pudessem existir – mesmo do meu lugar extremamente privilegiado e com um parceiro presente e participativo. E que pouco ouvi falar. Acontece que, mesmo ciente de alguns desafios que enfrentaria nesse processo, se deparar com sentimentos tão pesados, sendo que a sociedade inteira te prepara para sentir apenas amor e satisfação, aumenta a solidão e desperta mais um sentimento tão comum às mães: a culpa!

Por isso, acho tão importante falar das dificuldades da maternidade. Só falando sobre elas e vendo ali, em outras mães, os mesmos sentimentos foi que consegui de novo me sentir pertencente e reencontrar de alguma forma meu lugar no mundo – que se reorganiza (ou desorganiza) completamente depois que viramos mães.

É um livro que não teme expor angústias, por mais que – na minha leitura – o tom geral seja de celebração pela nova vida. Pensou essa ambiguidade de maneira literária ou saiu naturalmente? Fale um pouco do processo de composição e curadoria dos textos.

Posso dizer que o livro foi um “acaso”. Desde pequena, tenho a escrita como companhia e tradutora do que sinto (e não sei explicar oralmente) – embora, na vida adulta, tenha abandonado o hábito de escrever não sei bem por quê. Ao engravidar pela primeira vez e, logo em seguida, perder esse filho,fui atravessada por tantos sentimentos e, ao mesmo tempo, me senti tão só, vivendo um luto sem espaço na nossa sociedade, que o hábito de escrever me voltou. Como se fala sobre a perda de algo que você ainda nem anunciou que teria? Como se fala desse aborto que é tão comum, mas ninguém conta? Então, ao invés de falar, escrevia.

Quando engravidei de novo, colecionei cadernos que acompanhavam meu dia a dia, feito um diário de sensações, descobertas e emoções. Ao longo da gravidez, me pareceu bonito guardá-los para minha filha: presenteá-la com registros de todos transformações e sensações com as quais ela me presenteou.

Após parir, o mundo inteiro se fechou em pandemia e se afogou em incertezas e em notícias de morte. Escrever, além de ser uma espécie de companhia, virou minha máscara de oxigênio para sobreviver aos dias. Dias de sobrecarga – sem nenhum dos apoios que jurávamos que teríamos; dias de medo – num mundo que se esvaía em morte por conta de um vírus do qual pouco se sabia; dias de solidão – por todas as inseguranças maternas potencializadas ainda mais pela pandemia; e, claro, dias também de belezas e de vida – por acompanhar a vida nascendo, brotando e crescendo ali na nossa sala, num cenário em que a morte era tão presente.

Com o avançar do isolamento – que jurávamos que duraria no máximo um mês – entendi, com muita dor, que minha família não acompanharia a estreia da minha primeira filha nesse mundo: minha mãe não conviveria com os primeiros meses (ou anos? Não sabíamos) da sua primeira neta, minhas avós não conviveriam com os primeiros meses (ou anos) da sua primeira bisneta.

E foi impossível não me questionar se todos sobreviveriam tempo suficiente – num mundo em peste – pra poder conhecê-la depois que aquele pesadelo acabasse. E foi assim que originalmente nasceu o livro: uma tentativa de driblar o isolamento e de deixar mais próximo de nós todos aqueles que tínhamos certeza de que nos acompanhariam nesse período tão único e breve que é o bebê recém-nascido, mas que a pandemia afastou de nós.

Então, o processo de revisitar os cadernos foi vivido e revivido repetidas vezes, interrompido por choros, sonecas e trocas de fralda – como quase tudo na minha vida. Mas sempre convicta da importância de mostrar pro mundo as complexidades pouco faladas. Uma tentativa de abraçar outras mães – num momento em que o abraço era impossível. De alguma forma, sentia que mostrar minhas vulnerabilidades diminuíam a minha solidão – ao entender que o mesmo se passava em tantas outras famílias – e assim, quem sabe, eu pudesse diminuir também um pouco da solidão de outras mães porta a fora.

Mas o fato é que, para mim, mesmo com todas as complexidades, a maternidade é uma explosão de beleza, vida e amor sem tamanhos – tanto que hoje tenho duas. E talvez, essas dores só sejam assim tão intensas pelo tanto que nossos filhos nos valem. Como dizem por aí: “É que tanto custa o que tanto vale”. E ouso dizer também, deixando a romantização de lado (como já fiz há tempos), a evolução da espécie humana não seria possível se nossos filhos não fossem assim tão apaixonantes! Então, sim, é um livro realista. Mas é impossível falar da realidade materna sem falar de amor.

Dora veio ao mundo durante o início da pandemia, uma catástrofe global. Qual foi o peso dessa circunstância na sua percepção enquanto mãe? E, ainda, a situação alterou sua visão de mundo em geral?

Acho que a pandemia amplificou os sentidos e sentimentos, quando saíram de cena todas as distrações do nosso dia a dia. Só que, pra mim, ela veio num momento em que todas as emoções já estavam extremamente amplificadas: recém-parida, com uma vida desconhecida e frágil no colo. Quando penso nisso, é impossível não falar de saúde mental e do papel da minha filha no meu mundo – e todas as complexidades que vêm disso.

Já temos um monte de estudos que falam do impacto da maternidade na saúde mental das mães e mais um tanto sobre saúde mental na pandemia. Então, viver a estreia como mãe nesse cenário do mundo certamente deixa um rastro na gente. Carrego comigo até hoje marcas, memórias corporais e psicológicas que seguem em mim desde que… atravessei uma pandemia? Ou desde que virei mãe? Acho que é uma resposta que nunca vou ter. E hoje, quatro anos depois, posso dizer que agora já pouco me importa (embora, em seus primeiros anos, muito tentasse desembolar e isolar acontecimentos que estarão pra sempre registrados no mesmo lugar da memória).

Por outro lado, mais uma vez, a dualidade da maternidade: apesar dos desafios e inseguranças potencializados, que dádiva poder passar por um momento tão cercado de morte assistindo de camarote à vida na minha sala, no meu colo. No período em que cada um de nós precisou encontrar ferramentas internas para lidar com o mundo se desfazendo, minha filha veio para refazer o meu mundo e me mostrar que existe vida no caos, existe amor no desespero e existem muitas razões para seguir e sorrir. Não sei como sobreviveria à travessia da pandemia sem ela nos braços, a razão diária de encher os pulmões e me arrancar sorrisos.

Só que esse contexto todo fez com que minha filha, para além de amor da minha vida, virasse de certa forma também a minha tábua de salvação quando o mundo me deixou na corda bamba. E, trocando com outras mães de períodos parecidos, vejo que a história se repete.  Mas será que crianças assim tão pequenas deveriam ter uma responsabilidade tão grande quanto “salvar” suas próprias mães?
Sinto que o impacto disso talvez não seja só em nós, talvez os bebês do período também carreguem marcas por terem sido, de alguma forma, uma geração de filhos salvadores, cujos impactos em seus comportamentos e formas de ver a vida a gente só vá entender anos à frente. Será?

Não tenho essa resposta, e hoje já aceito que é uma parte da nossa história da qual não tive mesmo controle. Ainda assim, agradeço pelos impactos serem “pequenos” e subjetivos perto de tudo que o mundo viveu.

Mesmo que o teor da obra seja pessoal, acredita que outras mães possam se beneficiar das narrativas? Há um público-alvo?

De maneira mais óbvia, mães e pais se identificam. Recebi relatos de mulheres, atualmente já avós, que ao lerem o livro retornaram para seus primeiros dias como mães e puderam reviver as mesmas sensações. Ao mesmo tempo, adaptando uma frase muito falada: grande parte das pessoas do mundo é mãe, e a outra parte são filhos delas.

É importante extravasar a barreira de que tudo que se refere a bebês é de interesse e responsabilidade exclusivo das mães e pais. Somente quando as pessoas conseguirem entender a realidade que as mães vivem teremos uma sociedade mais inclusiva, acolhedora. E talvez, então, a maternidade se torne um processo menos solitário. Se esse dia chegar, as belezas, que já não são poucas, vão poder finalmente ser vividas e degustadas com mais plenitude, sem tantos traços de exaustão, solidão e sobrecarga.

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